I’ve been doing a bit of flying lately–I’m home in Vermont now–and here is a true and interesting conversation I casually overheard at the security checkpoint at airport:
Passenger: Oh, shit. You know what? I just realized that I left a lot of liquids in my carry-on. I’m sorry.
TSA Agent: …
Passenger: Crap. I guess I’ll just have to leave the whole thing here. I really need to catch this flight.
TSA Agent: Sir, this isn’t a carry-on. This is a newborn baby.
Passenger: Sure. It’s a newborn baby I was carrying on the airplane. Should I leave it right here, on top of this pile of old nail files and scissors?
TSA Agent: No, you should take it on the airplane.
Passenger: You must not have heard me clearly. This baby is full of liquid.
TSA Agent: That rule only applies to luggage.
Passenger: Right. But what is a baby but basically a piece of luggage that moves and cries and is made of flesh and annoys you? And this flesh sac is filled to the brim with potentially deadly liquid. It’s practically a bomb! Here, take this baby and keep America safe.
TSA Agent: If your carry-on is a living thing, I think it’s OK to have liquid in it.
Passenger: Oh, wow. Just, wow… So what you’re telling me is that I could go out and buy a bonsai tree—a very wide, short one—and hollow out a little compartment in it. Then I could fill up that compartment with poison or knives and bombs or whatever. And because it was a living thing I could just carry it on a fucking airplane? Jeez. Oh, boy. Wait until bin Laden finds out about this!
TSA Agent: Sir, it appears to me you’re just trying to get rid of your baby…
Passenger: You know what? Forget it. I don’t even need to go on this business trip. I’m going to quit my job right now and go put all of my money into a Bonsai tree manufacturing company, because as soon as Al Qaeda hears about this fucking loophole there is going to be a huge run on short, fat bonsai trees with specially-designed airplane carrying cases. Hell, maybe they’ll even start selling ones with little pre-cut bomb compartments in them! Woohoo! Goodbye ratrace, hello Aruba! See ya suckers!
TSA Agent: Sir, wait!
Passenger: What?
TSA Agent: You left your baby.
Passenger: Oh, that’s not a baby.
TSA Agent: It… it’s not?
Passenger: No.
[The baby (which is actually a bomb) explodes, killing everyone within a 200-foot radius.]