Lots of Interbuzz today about McCain’s health after his campaign released over 1,173 pages of medical documents, which apparently painted the picture of a fit, cancer-free McCain with “a strong heart.” I’m skeptical.

Don’t get me wrong: I am happy about the news. I am especially happy to hear that McCain has a “strong heart,” as that dispels one of my great fears about his candidacy: that McCain is running for President solely for access to the secret Oval Office vault filled with young, beating hearts installed there by WPA workers during the Great Depression. But still, I’m skeptical.

First of all: A healthy man really has 1,173 pages of medical documents? (And these are just from 2000-2008.) I am also a healthy man, but I have only five pages of medical documents—and three of those pages are records of tests for STDs that didn’t even exist at the time John McCain stopped having sex. (According to his medical records the last time McCain had sex was June 4th, 1988.)

OK, he had skin cancer a few times—but what’s that, 20 pages? And he has arthritis: that’s a paragraph. But 1,173 pages? Who the hell is penning this man’s medical history, modernist writer James Joyce? That would probably explain why it’s structured as a series of dialogues between Homer and a cross-dressing Irish prostitute and includes an entire page of “d”s.  Fuck modernists.

Second of all: Why so much focus on McCain’s “strong heart” and his impressive endurance on fitness tests? What is the true purpose of revealing McCain’s suspiciously pristine physical condition? Is it to dispel concerns that his age might hamper his ability to lead our nation? Or is it to dispel concerns that he might not be able to defeat Barack Obama in battle, should the election come down to single combat on the wide plain of the Washington Mall? That’s right.  You heard it here first: It is becoming increasingly apparent that this election will be the second in US history to be decided not on political skill and populist policies but fleetness, strength and the favor of the Gods!

Some Facts for your consideration:

• Barack Obama recently quit smoking.
• Barack Obama has a large collection of ceremonial Indonesian spears.
• Quitting smoking increases spear-throwing ability.
• Barack Obama plays basketball everyday.
• Basketball increases strength and stamina.
• Increased strength and stamina increases spear-throwing accuracy and force.
• George Bush also has a large collection of ceremonial Indonesian spears.
• John McCain borrowed three spears in February, “just to check them out.”
• He has not returned them.