In our turbulent world of today I would like to offer up to you one small token of regularity: I eat breakfast each and every day. By my last count I have gone 389 days without a missed breakfast, which is more than twice as long as San Francisco has gone without a fatal tiger attack. This means that for every breakfast I miss San Francisco experiences two fatal tiger attacks. So it’s a good thing for the residents of San Francisco that I’m so reliable. To put it succinctly: I am as regular in my breakfast-eating as a Japanese high-speed train’s period.

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Don’t I know it. It’s like a boost of energy for me. If I skip breakfast I crash way before noon. Noon is when I have my meth. So I eat breakfast. Every. Single. Day. The content of my breakfast does vary considerably. Sometimes it’s as simple as a bowl of cereal; other times it’s as elaborate as 43 bowls of cereal.

Don’t just take my word for the importance of breakfast: A new, chilling study just found that eating breakfast makes women more likely to have male babies. I say “chilling” because, look at this quote from the NYT article:

In the United States, for instance, the proportion of adults eating breakfast fell from 86 percent to 75 percent between 1965 and 1991.

According to the study, that change could be responsible for the slight decrease in the number of boys born in America. Scientists aren’t sure why eating breakfast leads to more male babies, but I have a theory: Girls are scared of breakfast. They’re all: “Waaaah, I hate breakfast! I’m not gonna be born!” Stupid, scared girls. They wouldn’t know what was good for them if it was fortified with 12 essential vitamins and minerals.

I did some calculations: If the rate of decline in breakfast-eating continues at a similar pace, the only babies born in America by 2343 will be female. America as we know it will be dead. I imagine our future Amazonian descendants will figure out some way to reproduce without males, thus continuing the species. But that’s not the kind of world I would want to, or could, without being ritually slain and eaten as a symbol for thousands of years of patriarchal oppression, live in. Which is why I would like to introduce a new advertising slogan for breakfast cereal:

DON’T KILL AMERICA: EAT BREAKFAST