Maybe you remember when, more than three months ago, I attempted to squeeze into the Apple Bottoms jeans that is a summer internship at Essence Magazine, the premier lifestyle magazine for African American women. I figured as an Asian American male I could contribute an interesting perspective on the black female experience. For instance I could make a list of the prominent black female characters in the films of Wes Anderson. There, I just did. But today I received this email from Essence Magazine’s internship coordinator:

Dear Adrian,
While we were impressed by your verve and short stature, I’m afraid an internship won’t work at Essence Magazine this summer. You’re just not right for our editorial vision. May I suggest Chinanow Magazine?

Best of Luck,
Zachary Chan, Internship Coordinator

OK, that was a joke. But I really did have an interview with Slate magazine for an internship. I tried to impress them with my maverick style by telling the editor of their campaign blog that I thought politics was “kinda boring,” and “lame,” and “for sad pedophiles.” Turns out, people don’t like it when you insult the things that are most dear to them!

So, now I am looking for summer employ. Any leads? I have lots of experience as a journalist and as a maker of stupid Internet videos. Please email me at repletewithadrian@gmail.com if you or someone you know is looking for a creative, smart person for the summer, or if you know of any promising p3nis-enl4rgement medicine. My ideal job would probably be the kind of thing where I could slay my boss at the end of the summer and crow over his bloodied corpse, ” THE STUDENT HAS BECOME THE MASTER!” Like, publishing?

PS: As an added bonus, if you give me a job I will send one hand-decorated greeting card to a loved one, and 128 eCards to someone you hate.