TriMet, our local, future-sounding provider of fine public transportation services has been having some security issues lately. On Monday a passenger ravaged an innocent driver, and yesterday some dude went all “West Side Story” on a couple of rival gang members on the bus. On the plus side, both were helping to reduce their carbon footprint by brawling on public transit instead of in their SUVs! Here’s a tax credit.

Something must be done about this situation. Some people are recommending hiring more police officers, to which I say: Could you be any more obvious? This is Portland, home of the creative class, and I have an appropriately creative recommendation for whatever twenty-eight commissions will soon be formed to discuss this issue…

Tri-met should require each passenger to pass a rudimentary martial arts class before they are allowed onto the bus or train. Think about it: This way, if any fights break out passengers will have the skills to quickly and safely subdue the attacker. Plus, Portland residents will be able to use their karate skills on whatever threats present themselves: terrorists, earthquakes, Californians. What’s cooler, a policeman or a trio of karate-trained senior-citizens beating down some gang member?

One problem is that the attacker will also have had the karate training and may be on equal footing with his or her benevolent challenger if there is only one other passenger on the bus. However, this can easily be solved by training each TriMet driver to one or two levels above all the passengers so that they can easily best them. For example, passengers could be at “Level 1″ karate, and drivers could be at “Level 2″ karate. Alternately, you could train passengers in “fire-type” karate while giving drivers “water-type” skills. Water beats fire every time, baby!

PROBLEM SOLVED, GIVE ME A TAX CREDIT.