Note: I returned from Puerto Rico a couple days ago. I am working on a travel guide series for miserable people, and here is a selection from the Puerto Rico edition:

The Miserable Traveler’s Guide to Puerto Rico

The first thing to know about Puerto Rico is that it is technically a part of the United States. Of course Puerto Rico is “technically” a part of the U.S. like my girlfriend is “technically” related to me. If you are splitting hairs then yes, we are distantly related, but not to the point where it actually makes any difference legally or in day-to-day practice so get off my case, Mom and Dad. Puerto Rico and the U.S. have a similarly ambiguous but completely legitimate relationship.

Puerto Rico was conquered by the Spanish in 1508, who used it as the main base for their awesome Carribean adventures. There were many battles and pirate-related goings on after that, but records show that these times were less like ‘Pirates of the Carribean’ and more like genocide and painful diseases of the skin and mouth.

In 1898 the Spanish evacuated Puerto Rico when they realized what a bitch it would be to drive in any of the cities once cars were invented. The U.S. took over and tried to alleviate traffic congestion by making all the roads very narrow and unpleasant to drive on and hiring drunk pedestrians to dash out in front of oncoming vehicles so that people would be scared to drive. Also, they put 40% of Puerto Ricans in poverty so they couldn’t afford cars.

Puerto Rico is a U.S. Commonwealth, which is kind of like a state but worse. Thus Puerto Rico has everything that is terrible about the United States without any of the good things. For instance, there are two Starbucks on every corner but no hospitals. Actually there is one hospital, but it was being turned into a Starbucks when we were down there.

Puerto Rico has less Puerto Ricans than nearly half of U.S. states.

As a U.S. Commonwealth, Puerto Rico uses U.S. currency. This means that no one is going to be impressed if you run up to the cashier in a store, flip out a twenty dollar bill and wave it in front of his face while screaming “U.S. Currency! U.S. Currency! BOW BEFORE YOUR ONLY GOD!” Seriously, don’t do it. They will call the cops. (The Puerto Rican cops can’t deport you because it is America, but they can do other horrible things once they find that stash clenched between your buttocks.)

The official language of Puerto Rico is Broken English, the official bird is the cockroach and the official tree is prostitutes.

Puerto Rico is the New Jersey of U.S. Commonwealths.
What should you do in Puerto Rico?

San Juan
Nestled on the Northern coast of the island, San Juan is a little bit of the Old World right here in the New. That’s right, it is absolutely filthy.

Lazer Nightclub
Booty-shaking Reggaeton is all the rage here at Lazer Night Club. But the steamy scene is not for the faint of heart! Scantily-clad women have perfected a truly scandalous dance called “the dog” (el perro). Apparently, the name comes from the fact that the woman has sex with a dog on the dance floor.

El Morro Fort
This fort was built in 1539 by the Spanish. While the size of the fort is not very impressive compared to our modern office buildings it is very filthy.

Rumba Nightclub
Please God, not another nightclub.