I’m sure glad those spiders are out of my ear. But what am I supposed to do with this semen sample?

I have a theory: It’s called “Everything Has Already Happened.” My theory posits that, given how many things happen every day, all possible things must have happened at least once in the history of time. Ever say something to yourself like, “I bet no one has ever said the sentence, ‘Jarvis, sail to the end of the world and back and I will reward you with twenty-eight Super Nintendos.’”? Well they definitely have said that sentence–Super Nintendos have been around for a long, long time (and sailing, even longer). I know this because my theory is a scientific theory, based on data collected from the Hubble Space Telescope and calculated using advanced algebra, which I can show you those calculations on my TI-83 if you’re curious. There’s a graph and everything:

As you can see, according to my calculations, everything had already happened by January 3rd, 1958 AD. But, like the Theory of Evolution, the Theory of Everything Has Already Happened is just that: A theory, not a fact. It is subject to constant revision and recalculations as new data comes to light. Today, I realized that my calculations did not take into consderation the fact that small spiders could, hypothetically, attempt to build a nest on someone’s ear drum.

Well, it happened (in Oregon, no less). Said the doctor who pulled spiders from 9 year-old Jesse Courtney’s ear: “It was the only time I ever pulled out an invertebrate.” This makes me wonder how many vertebrates he’s pulled out. With this plugged into my TI-83, I can now safely say that everything has, in fact, happened.