“But seriously, folks.”

Today I met with my friend Dalas to write some jokes for an ATM’s stand-up routine, which is something I’ve actually only done twice before in my life. His buddy is getting his MFA from Yale and his masters’ thesis involves making a documentary about a hard-up ATM that becomes a bad stand-up comic. Hard work, that MFA. Here are some of the bad jokes we came up with:

-Do you know what I have in common with Martha Washington? We’ve both had George Washington inside of us. And Benjamin Franklin. At the same time. But seriously, folks, she was a filthy, filthy whore.

-One time a guy put his library card in me so I gave him forty copies of Moby Dick. Oops, I just broke my promise to the club owner. I swore I wouldn’t do any dick jokes.

-There are a lot of sickos out there, folks. You wouldn’t believe the number of guys with the PIN number 6969. Oh, and speaking of all you perverts, “Deposit Here” doesn’t mean what you apparently think it does.

-One thing that you might not know about ATMs is that if you put in a 20-dollar bill, you’ll get an ATM card back.

-People are always asking me for loans. I’m like “What am I, an Automated Teller Machine?” And they’re like, “Wait, isn’t that what ATM stands for?” So I’m like “damn straight-and I’m telling you to get a fucking job and stop asking me for money.”

-What’s the point of having a bunch of one dollar bills if you don’t have a lap?

-Let me tell you about maintenance. You think you have it bad, ladies? Imagine if your gynecologist was a 300lb Russian mechanic who hasn’t washed his hands since 1989.

P.S. If you would like Dalas and me to write stand-up comedy for your non-human object, please drop me a line at repletewithadrian@gmail.com . We specialize in large appliances and industrial equipment, but also have experience with cutlery, landscape paintings and cats. For the ATM we charged $95 per joke, but rates are negotiable.