“Grandpa, my MacBook says it’s time for you to go now.”

THIS JUST IN: We’ve already heard that robots will be demanding the right to vote pretty soon, but check this out: A new study suggests that computers can determine whether a critically injured person would want the plug pulled as well as, or even better than, family members. The computer program is based on a mathematical formula which matches the patient’s demographic profile with thousands of similar patients and determines the most popular treatment choices within that group. The data is then used to estimate the patient’s own answer to the Ultimate Question.

THE BIGGER PICTURE: While scientists are pretty sure it’s a good idea for computers to decide whether humans live or die, they’re still debating over licensing and distribution details of the new program. Microsoft has put a bid in to include it in its upcoming Morality Suite 2008 to compliment such products as Religionfinder and Should I Get This Abortion?, Student and Teacher Edition. There is also some pressure on scientists to release the program for free as WikiDeath: The online life-and-death decision maker that anyone can edit.  Apple has already integrated the feature into its next generation iPod, and a pet-specific plug-in is being developed by veterinarians. The giant computer brain hidden deep beneath the earth’s mantle pulsed happily and began slowly ascending to the surface.

FAST FACT: By 2045, every important life decision will be made using a computer program which takes the average of a sample of 3,000,000 demographically-similar Americans.  This is because millions of Americans can make much better decisions than just one.