My hair: FOUR MONTHS AGO!

I haven’t gotten a haircut in nearly six months, and I couldn’t be happier with the results. This is not because I am lazy and cheap, which I am. It is not a rebellion against society’s values. I like society’s values–especially the value of constant access to frozen pizza. No. My rejection of haircuts is actually an acceptance of values:  The values of hair product commercials: Luxury, femininity and hair-tossing.

When I saw my first hair product commercial some years ago, I was not impressed. “Who’s hair really looks like that?” I asked myself. This was before I knew about the power of computer-generated imagery. But at the root of my disdain was something more than ignorance: It was jealousy. Why couldn’t I have hair like that? Luxurious. Sensual. Free.

The jealousy kept me from doing anything. Jump ropes were my passion in those days. I was so distraught that I went out back and cut every one of my prize jump ropes free. I basically laughed as they slid off into the pale morning, calling mournfully to each other. I walked inside and almost skipped gracefully over a piece of fallen spaghetti before I remembered I was through with all that.

Finally, I bought some Pert Plus 2-in-1 conditioner and shampoo at the corner market. I squirreled it away in my room, next to the cigarettes my mother had bought me for my 13th birthday. I would take it out only at night, when everyone was asleep. It felt so good on my hair. And I knew why: Because it was wrong. But I never went back. I’ve lost some friends, and I’ve gained some–but I haven’t cut my hair in almost six months. I pretty much have a mane these days. Maybe you’ll see me tossing it around on one of the wide boulevards in the evening sun: Luxurious. Sensual. Free.